The Rantings Of A Couple Old Geezers
by IAmMeAndNoOneElse
Summary: Triple H and Shawn Michaels, now MUCH older, sit on a porch and discuss the strange deaths of their co-workers over the years. Character deaths dealt with in a humorous fashion, not meant to be sad at all. Hope you enjoy!


Disclaimer - I own nothing but the idea.

A/N - Alright, now this one is set some time in the future, when Shawn Michaels and Triple H are in the 80 to 100 range. Yep, pretty old. Some stuff in this one could be considered very offensive (especially to religious folk(any religion) and politicians) and/or overly strange and such, so I'm just telling you all now that anything offensive that happens is done by the characters only and is not a reflection of my true feelings/opinons on things. So basically - I AM NOT A NAZI OR A KLANSMEN!! I actually touched this story up before posting; some parts were just TOO offensive. Sorry if anyone gets offended, but you were warned! I've kept this at a 'T' rating because 'M' just seemed too far, and most of the offensive stuff is (at least slightly) veiled anyway.

By the way, the character deaths in this story are meant to be purely humorous, and, as such, are told about in a light, amusing fashion. Alright then, for those still reading, here we go!!

Oneshot #6 -

The Rantings Of A Couple Old Geezers

Hunter Helmsley sat on the porch of his countryside cottage, rocking slowly back and forth in his chair while he waited for his best, and only remaining, friend to return with his tea and crackers.

A moment later, Shawn Michaels returned with the tray in his shaky old hands.

"Well it sure took you long enough, Shawn! You know my metabolic process could end at any minute!!"

The Heartbreak… uh, grandpa rolled his eyes. "You know, you really should get Stephanie out of the house one of these days... She's been dead for like, three years and I'm sick of that smell."

Hunter shrugged. "Nah… I still like to cuddle with her sometimes."

Shawn rolled his eyes once more, setting the tray down on the table and taking a seat in the other rocking chair. Through tired old eyes, he gazed out over the beautiful rolling fields.

Neither spoke for quite some time, and it was Hunter who broke the silence. "Hey Shawn, you remember all of our good pals back at the dubya-dubya-E?"

Shawn smiled nostalgically. "Well sure I do! How could I forget 'em!? They was the best friends a guy could ever have…"

Hunter chuckled. "Who'd have ever thought that the old lions'd outlive all the young pups!?"

"Shame, really…" Shawn replied. "What ever happened to 'em all, anyway? I remember hearing about some of 'em passing on, but I can't recall what happened to most of 'em…"

Hunter smiled slightly. HBK's memory wasn't what it used to be, and Hunter had never told him about many of them anyway. "Well, I reckon I remember lots. Who'd ya want to know about?"

"Hmmm…. Well you know, I'm real curious about what happened to good old Davey Boy."

Hunter frowned. "Batista, or the British Bulldog?"

"Oh, that's right. Davey Boy was Bulldog. Well I meant Batista there."

"Hmmm…" Hunter thought a moment. "Well, I think it all went down on a cold day, about 40 or 50 years ago… Seaworld…"

_Back in time…_

"Yo, Dave! Check out the sharks over here!!" Chris Jericho shouted, and Dave Batista walked across the cave-like environment to look over the edge at the beasts of the deep.

"Huh. Pretty cool." The Animal replied.

"SHARKS!?" Came a loud voice, and the one and only Festus came charging across the room, bowling Batista out of the way to get a better view. Unfortunately for the former World Champion, he was knocked forward, and ended up plunging over the rail and falling a good twenty feet in the dangerous waters below.

"Oh, good going Lard Tard!!" Jericho shouted. "Now you've gone and killed one of our biggest stars!" He smacked Festus upside the head, and the large man stumbled and fell over as well.

Several people saw him fall and cried out, Melina Perez among them. She hurried to the side. "Chris, what happened!?"

"Uh, no idea. I didn't play any part in it though, that's for sure." He walked quickly away from the scene as another man charged forward.

Jesse got to the rail, looking down at his partner and the Animal. "FESTUS!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

_Return to the present…_

"They never found out how they fell in…" Hunter finished, and Shawn shook his head.

"Shame, that. They were great for the company. Hey, do you remember that weird guy? Oh, what was his name… The one who always wore the sequins and chaps?"

"Uh… Shawn? That was you."

"Oh, right... What about Kane then?"

"Set himself on fire."

"Oh, right. Well what about good old Undertaker?"

"He was already dead."

"Oh, right. What about John Cena?"

"Hmmm…" Hunter began thinking

_Back in time…_

"SIR, YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR FIRST DEGREE MURDER!!"

"What!? I didn't kill nobody!!" John Cena shouted as the SWAT Team burst into his hotel room.

"We have a report from pro-wrestler Christopher Irvine telling us that you are responsible for the brutal murder of one Chris Jericho!!"

"What!? Homie, those'r both the same freakin' person!! Irvine _is_ Jericho!"

"You're a murderer and you know it!! Cut the nonsense and come with us!!" The police officer shouted, whacking John with a nightstick.

"HEY!! I AIN'T COMING WIT YOU, 'CAUSE I DIDN'T DO NOTHIN'!!"

With that, John grabbed the man and FUed him, only to be riddled by machine gun bullets a second later.

_Return to the present…_

"They never found out why the SWAT Team attacked him for what seemed to be no reason…" Hunter finished.

"Huh." Shawn replied. "Oh you know who I've been real curious about? That Mr. Kennedy guy."

"Oh yeah… Well, you see…"

_Back in time…_

"Sir, you have to pay for that!! Sir, come back here!!"

Ken Kennedy sprinted out of Circle K, laughing maniacally as he clutched his stolen pack of gum. So what if there was a cop car in the parking lot!? He was Ken Kennedy! He could do anything he wanted!!

Jumping in his car, the WWE Superstar quickly drove out of the parking lot, with the cops following right behind him. He drove for miles into the night, but still could not lose the police car. On the flip side, they still hadn't caught him.

Smiling to himself, Kennedy leaned out the window. "YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME, COPPERS!! I AM A MASTER CRIMINAL!! I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT, WHENEVER I WANT, AND THERE AINT NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP IT!! YOU'LL NEVER FORGET THE NAME OF KEN…"

He accidentally swerved while looking at the cop car.

"KENNNNNNNNEDDDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!" The loudmouth finished, now screaming in terror, as his car plunged over the side of the bridge and into a ravine.

_Return to the present…_

"All that over a pack of gum?" Shawn asked.

"It was Ken Kennedy. What did you expect?" Hunter asked sarcastically.

Shawn shrugged, letting out a sigh. "Hey, you know who I miss? Whatever happened to Candice Michelle? Such a sweet young lady…"

Now Hunter sighed. "Well, this one will actually cover a few others as well …"

_Back in time…_

"Um… Guys? I really don't think we should do this…" Candice Michelle nervously warned, gazing over the side of the cliff.

"Why not?" Edge asked. "We just jump over the edge, heh, that's my name! Anyway, We just jump over the edge - heh - into the water, and that's it! It'll be fun!"

"I have a bad feeling about this… What if we hit the rocks?" Candice asked.

"We won't. I have good aim. Come on!!" Randy Orton encouraged, and the trio jumped over the side, falling a good seventy feet.

The water was only a foot deep.

_Return to the present…_

Shawn shook his head. "Too bad. Such promising young talent… Did they ever find out why they all jumped off the cliff?"

"Eh, something about a mix of shallow water and utter stupidity. I've always blamed Edge." Hunter replied with a shrug.

There was silence was a few moments, before Shawn broke it. "Hey, what about that guy with all the weird tattoos? I think one of them was a soda logo or something…"

"Oh, CM Punk?"

"Yeah, that's the one!! Him!!"

Hunter tapped his chin. "Alright, well ya see…"

_Back in time…_

"But he's not even German!!"

"He's Russian. That's close."

"So you'll seriously give me three hundred bucks to do this?"

"Um, yeah. Sure."

"(Sigh) Well… Alright then…"

Chris Jericho watched as CM Punk walked up to Vladimir Kozlov, and prepared his hand at his chest. When he reached the large man, he thrust his hand diagonally upwards, shouting, "SIEG HEIL!!" (Nazi phrase, for those who don't know)

Kozlov glared down at him, and Jericho chuckled from afar.

_Return to the present…_

"They never found his head, and old Vladimir died in prison after taking out several cops as well." Hunter finished.

"But, why would Punk do that?" Shawn asked.

"Beats me." Hunter replied.

"Huh… Hey, what about the Hardy Boys?"

"Well, Matt had an accident, and Jeff died in his sleep a few years later."

"In his sleep!? Jeff Hardy!? I would've thought he'd have jumped off a building or something."

"I know, weird, eh? Well, I'll tell you about Matt."

_Back in time…_

"I can't believe you convinced me to do this…" Matt Hardy said to his brother as he looked nervously over the side.

"Eh, bungee jumping is nothing, big bro. You'll be glad you did it, trust me." Jeff replied.

"Well… Alright… I better do this before I chicken out… Here I go!!" Matt began sprinting for the side, but Jeff called after him.

"Matt! Wait!!'

"Don't stop me now, bro, or I may never do it!! Matt shouted, just before jumping off the cliff.

Jeff ran to the side, looking down. "You have to attach the other end of the cord first!!"

_Splat…_

Jeff clicked his tongue. "So this is what it's like to be an only child…"

_Return to the present…_

"Ooohhh… That couldn't 'ave felt to good…" Shawn winced.

"Yeah, tell me about it." His friend replied.

"Hey, what about that really tall guy?"

"Khali? He went on a rampage downtown and they had to call in military tanks, remember?"

"Oh yeah… Ok, how about that blonde girl who thought she was a punk?"

"Ashley Massaro? That guy who thought he was a vampire, Kevin Thorn, got his hands on her one night, and they found her drained of blood."

"What happened to Thorn?"

"It turned out that Ashley had AIDS, and Thorn drank her blood, so... Yeah."

"Oh… That had to suck."

"Yep."

"What about Mr. Olympia, Kurt Angle?" Shawn asked.

"Somebody strangled him with the gold medal."

"Huh. I guess he had that one coming; rubbing the fact that he was a gold medalist and we weren't in our faces all the time."

"Yeah... Oh!" Hunter started. "I know a good one!"

"Hunter!! Deaths are not good!!"

"But it was funny..."

"Fine, go on…

"Ok, so here's how it went down…"

_Back in time…_

"Hey Murdoch, how much to eat this?" Chris Jericho asked, holding up the small packet that had been in his bag of jerky. It said, "DO NOT EAT" in bold letters and multiple languages on the side.

"He's not going to eat that, man!" Lance Cade shouted.

"Five bucks." Murdoch responded.

"Five bucks? It's a deal." Jericho replied, handing Murdoch the packet along with a five dollar bill as Cade gaped.

"Trevor, don't-"

Too late. Murdoch had popped the packet into his mouth. He swallowed.

Cade put his head in his hands in disbelief.

Five minutes later, Murdoch collapsed on the table, foaming at the mouth.

"Hey, uh, can I get my five back since he doesn't really have any use for it now?" Jericho asked timidly.

_Return to the present…_

"He ate the 'DO NOT EAT' packet!? How stupid was he!? Even morons know not to eat those!!"

"Apparently Trevor Murdoch didn't know." The Game responded.

Shawn just sighed, then was silent for a moment. Finally, "Hey, Hunter, what about that girl with the same first and last name?"

"Kelly Kelly? She choked on air."

"How do you even _do _that!?"

"She was blonde, remember?"

"Oh, right. Well, how about Melina?"

"She got _split _in half. Hehe… Get it Shawn!? Get it!? Split."

"Hunter…"

"Oh, alright. Fine. Really…"

_History…_

"Hey Melina, you know what would be cool?"

"No, what?"

"This."

After tying Melina Perez to his couch, Chris Jericho turned on Channel 8 (PBS) and left the room.

"Hey!! Hey!! Chris!! COME BACK!! NO!! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!!"

Two weeks later…

Chris Jericho returned to his house, only realizing what he had forgotten when he found her still tied to his couch. "Uh, Melina?"

He poked her. "Uh-oh."

_Return to the present…_

"So, they arrested Jessica Irvine?"

"Yeah. According to Jericho, he came home and found Melina on the couch, and when he questioned his wife, she went nuts, so he had to subdue her with a frying pan in order to get her to the police."

"Strange… So what happened to Jericho, then?"

"They said he literally laughed himself to death after The Rock tripped over a piece of pizza in the cafeteria and landed crotch first on the corner of a table, then fell backwards and broke his neck."

"Hunter…"

"No, I'm really serious this time! The cops were all annoyed and stuff because they had to deal with two bodies instead of just one."

"Good grief."

"Yeah, I know, right? Oh! I have one last good one!! You have to hear this!!"

Shawn sighed. "Let's hear it."

_Back in time…_

"FOLLOW ME, MY GREAT MORRISONISTS!! WE MUST EXTINGUISH THOSE WHO ARE NOT PURE FROM THIS EARTH!! TOGETHER, WE CAN FINISH THE JOB THAT SO MANY HAVE LEFT INCOMPLETE!! OUR NUMBERS ARE GREATER THAN THERES!! WE WILL EXTERMINATE THE IMPERFECT, ELIMINATE THE HOMELESS, ANNIHILATE THE DEMOCRATS!! MORRISON POWER!! MORRISON POWER!!"

Mike 'The Miz' Mizanin, the only one accompanying Morrison on this march of conquest, just shook his head. "Dude, you're the only Morrisonist."

John Morrison, clad in a white, hooded robe with a Swastika on the front, stopped in his tracks. "Wait, what about you?"

"I'm an atheist."

"WHAT!?"

"Uh… I mean… Uh…"

"Are you saying that you don't believe in the Guru of Greatness; saying that I must exterminate you as well!?"

"NO!! No! Fine! I'll convert to Morrisonism!!"

"Great!! Then let us continue the march of the Morrisonists!!"

Miz just sighed, following nonetheless.

Nighttime soon fell, and the pair came across a group of gangsters hanging out near an alley.

"OUT OF MY WAY, HOBOES AND BUMS!! THIS IS THE MARCH OF MORRISONISM, AND YOU ARE NOT WELCOME!!"

The group of men exchanged glances, and then surrounded them.

"Oh, great. Just brilliant." Miz muttered. "Thanks a lot for getting me into this, man!! I was supposed to have lunch with my mom tomorrow, and that would be easier if I weren't dismembered and spread around the city dumpsters!!"

_Return to the present…_

"And so, that was the end of Mike Mizanin and good old Johnny Morrison." Hunter finished, looking at his friend.

There was no response. "Um… Shawn?"

Nothing.

"Shawn?" Hunter reached over, nudging his friend.

Shawn's head lolled, before finally falling onto the snack tray in front of him and sending crackers flying everywhere.

Hunter blinked, silent for a moment, then jumped to his feet and began dancing. "HA!! I TOLD YOU I WOULD BE THE LAST ONE ALIVE!! I WIN OUR BET, SHAWN!! YOU OWE ME TWENTY THREE AND A HALF PESOS!! YEAH!! IN YOUR FACE!! I LIVED LONGER THAN SHAWN DID!! I LIVED LONGER THAN SHAWN DID!!"

It was then that Hunter felt a strange clenching in his chest, and the left side of his body went numb. He put his hand to his heart.

"Ah, crap."

And so, with that, Hunter Helmsley collapsed facedown on his porch, never getting to finish his tea.


End file.
